Dreaming on A Couch

An ode to the missing Couch

The garage has more room now,
and now, you have no place to rest
your weary soul.
furniture-less.
No place for us to sit.
awaiting a fragile loss
you revel how young we look
but truly your eyes are just older
The fire of grief, starting to smolder
flowered cushions gone as fast as you were
taken from me while asleep
awoken to hear the morbid news.
not to surprise me, instead of breakfast: blues
I still try to remember,
the dream you drifted into,
on way to your couch in heaven.
-author: Solomon Botwick-Ries, age 15

BookEnds

It waits for me.
A spiraling tendril
a shroud
an envelope, a cloak

I make my way from daily tasks
into nighttime rituals
and there it is.
my grief.
patiently waiting to envelop
me with its familiarity
not a comfort, really
a new habit.

I find my way to a peaceful
sleeping place
only to awake
and it is there.

My grief waits for me
like bookends.

Erev ( evening of ) Homecoming

Clear as a bell
loud as a chime
my mother said:
you know what I want ,Jenn
it's now time."

"I want to go home"
amidst life that's large
in the hub of loving family
coming home.

Day so long
surreal, yet so clear
honoring you with
all my heart
I will always keep you near.

So rest, dear one
be at peace
sweet smile upon your face
you are coming home
to the family
in your chosen place.

It Takes Some Getting Used To

Just when I think I am going to write; perhaps something prolific, important and the opening line here after time away, the right thing, I pray; I lose momentum.
How does one start, after such a time as I have had?
You just start.
lao-tze, remember?

I am no longer a sandwich lady.
My upper crust, as it were, my raison d'etre over these past 14 months, has passed away.

My mother gave life her all, her tenacity apparent and very present until she stated her needs of "letting go, going home".

so home she went.
to the center of the hub, our living room:HOME.
There, surrounded by 3 grandsons, 2 dogs, one cat and loving daughter and son-in-law; Elsie Anne Davis Botwick let go.
her skin was radiant, her peace radiant.

I am crafting the incredible story for you to read here , as soon as I am rightly able.it has to be just so.

The hole in my heart, in the fabric of my life is enormous.
I half expect passersby to ask me what happened, after noticing my gash.

We all have gashes, mostly invisible.

Takes some getting used to.
this gash, this gap.

Abbreviation hospital dance

ICU,
do you see me?
IV,
let it be.

TPN, PO,
NPO
gotta go.

ND, MD, LPN
RN, UN, say it again.

rx, px,
mri
CT ( cat) scan
scat man
let her try.

dnr, dni
what does it take
if you want to die?

cpr, ventilate
need to be able to masticate.
swallow this, life is hard.
can't say it much better than the Bard.

teeter totter, life on the line
look at me, kiss me
one more time.

MRSA, strep,H1NI is all the rage
as your lungs continue to rattle their cage.

tenacious, persistent, hand breaking grip.
okay, momma.
let it rip.

take a breath, we all need to do it
life is what you make it
so come on, get to it.
rally round the flag, El
family is your glue.
the bottom line is
we love you.

so...
HS, am, pm, now
prn, qd, not time to take a bow.
( dictionary: PO: by mouth; NPO: not by mouth;DNR: do not resuscitate; DNI: do not intubate; HS: at night; TPN: total parental nutrition; qd: every day; prn: as needed)

stable, for the moment

One of the important pieces of information medical personnel gather, whether assessing a medical or trauma patient is baseline vital signs.
It is imperative to assess each situation and understand the needs of the patient.
Is there a life threatening condition?
Are they stable?

Their vital signs are stable.

We all look for stability, amidst the everchanging and illusive nature of life.
Some call it Maya, which is defined as illusion.
Illusion is everywhere , and yet we all look for stability.Some more than others.
Yet,all we ever have is the moment. And, for now, my mother is stable.
Not in crisis.
So, does this mean it is the calm before the storm, as has been the pattern of so many months now?
Can any of us comfortably reside in the stability of the moment knowing that the very definition of life is change and growth?
For now, in the now.
Now is all we have.
...reminds me of an ol' Beatles tune.
You remember the Beatles, don't you?

Top part of my sandwich fell last week.
Hip broken, mind altered.
Mind trying to do whatever it can to endure, survive, exist.

The time has come to STOP interventions.
The time is here and now.
Now is all we ever have; and the now of wholistic care has emerged on THE FRONT BURNER and the heat is way up!!

What the above mean and refers to is: as the process of aging lends itself to compensatory mechanisms, the body continues to assert itself for survival.
This is known as the "geriatric complex".
There is a point, however, when the body cannot keep juggling.

My mother has an incurable lymphoma, mitral valve regurgitation, hypertension, and more.
My mother is 87.
She is fragile in body and oh so determined in spirit! .

My mother is not ready to let go.it is not her time, but the time she has needs to be free of interventions and heroics and needs to be surrounded and full of peace and life and love.

She has always exuded unconditional love.
This does NOT mean she has been perfect or is today.
But,what it does mean:she deserves comfort and dignity, joy and relief from the yo-yo hospital visits and all the cascades of what that becomes.

A line has been drawn in the sand today.
i had to take out the pen.
i had to initiate the line.
This has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.
i do it out of love.
All the harder.
May those of you who have tread this path, are treading or will: take heart.
Count your blessings, count your friends, count and remember your breaths.

the sound you hear is the elastic of my yo-yo responding to my mother, as she yo-yo's in and out of the hospital.
Do they offer frequent flier miles?!
she's in, she's out.
she's up, she's down.

She had a fall.
She is okay.
She hit her cheek, there is a fracture.
She is confused. Induced dementia due to medication soup.
She fell again, broke her hip.

it's another day in lake mothercare...

raising parents.
when they were raising us, did they admit to wanting their time with us to be"done"?
is this harsh?
time marches on, the brilliance of pregnant green and crimson buds grace the landscape.
reprieve is in the mindfull moment of catching breath
of exforming toxins
of having an unscheduled cuppa tea with a friend.

reprieve: where are you??

Welcome to spring!
It has been nearly a year since my recruitment as a sandwich lady began.
.....and, it is because I have been immersed in all of its rules and responsibilities, that I haven't written.
too busy doing!

Next installment will talk further about
1. guilt
2. recovering perfectionism
3. reclaiming health and stamina